Everyone, I've fixed your online dating woes!
Wired magazine assembled a number of infographics this month of what makes for the most attractive online dating profile. It even included a list of the most appealing words men and women used in their profiles. The only trouble is how to work the key words into sentences. The rest of it just comes together by magic.
Men who used "whom" got 31 percent more opposite-sex replies, regardless of how they actually used it. Women who called themselves "girls" got more replies than those who didn't. It's all a science, really.
Based on what Wired said, I have concocted the most appealing online dating profiles of all time, using as many buzzwords as possible in as few words as I can. Context, shmontext - these are based on data! Feel free to use these in your "About Me" to attract a mate! True love, doubtless, is right around the corner, like prosperity in the Hoover era.
I spend all my time away from London and New York City, surfing the Internet to post hateful comments on athlete forums, and intending to do yoga.
I am often wasted at the office and have to be driven away by foodies for acting like Archer. My philosophy? Let models work out; my passion is laziness. Fitness? I call that "lucky physics."Creativity? "Charmed meditations."Europe is over the ocean, and maybe there's sushi there? My homeland is New York, and I don't feel anything for Radiohead. Sometimes I fashion pulp fiction meditations, girls!
I love surfing the surf - it's like skiing the ocean. Let's do yoga, whom.
I have a large collection of teeth. After mating, I gather passports (only those with blue eyes) to use in my confidence work. Who has time for retirement?
I like to take photography of my breakfast. I am awful at tennis. Things I hate with a passion? Weddings, teachers and puppies.
I have never been to London. I hate flying. Also kissing.
The best part of mornings is chocolate.
I don't have a lot of confidence, but I have a large collection of teeth and passports. One belonged to an athlete with blue eyes, whom I found in the ocean, or oceans, when I was hiking on the beach, covered in chocolate, taking stealth photography of strangers' weddings and enjoying the live music. (Ah, mornings!) In retirement, I will obtain many tattoos.
When we are kissing, my meditation will be about breakfast.
When I was a kid, I put puppies in trees. I said I wanted to see puppies flying. My teachers shuddered and said I would never find a nonfiction companion for passion and mating. My attractiveness is comparable to that of a workaholic flying to London. There is no skiing or surfing there. Or surf, for that matter.
YOGA YOGA YOGA YOGA.
Everyone, I've fixed your online dating woes!
Most deadly fraternity scraps initiation for new members
Sigma Alpha Epsilon, one of the largest U.S. fraternities and the deadliest, said Friday it will ban the initiation of recruits, citing the toll that hazing has taken on its newest members.Continued ...
VIDEO: Michigan woman's death, mummified body hidden by auto-pay for six years
The mummified body of a Michigan woman was discovered in the backseat of her car approximately six years after her death. The body was only found after the bank that foreclosed on the home ordered work on the property.Continued ...
VIDEO: Chrysler orders community college to crush rare Dodge Viper
Students at a community college in Washington are fighting to save a rare Dodge Viper given to them by the Chrysler Corporation. The company now says it must be destroyed for legal reasons.Continued ...
- VIDEO: Penguin sweaters save birds trapped in oil spills
- VIDEO: Kentucky AG holds back tears, announces he won't defend marriage ban
- Staples to close 225 stores as online competition hurts sales
- 2 in Indiana sickened after eating contaminated Skittles
- VIDEO: A panoramic view from atop One World Trade Center
- 5 memorable college hoops tourney buzzer beaters
- What you need to know about subtle office bullying
- Wednesday, March 5, 2014
- Lilly's diabetes drug rejected by FDA
- Target seeks new technology head after data breach
- Facebook cracking down on illegal gun sales planned on site
- Avenger an American value
- VIDEO: Mother, children rescued from van in ocean
- Frigid U.S. weather means highest power prices since '08
- Tuesday, March 4, 2014
- VIDEO: Will the NFL move the extra point to 42 yards?
- Study says too much protein could lead to early death
- Do flu shots cause runny noses?
- VIDEO: New Jersey teen sues parents for tuition
- Winter stifles pollen, but other pests can make allergies worse now
- VIDEO: New 'Dancing With the Stars' cast unveiled
- Monday, March 3, 2014
- VIDEO: Museum removes Corvettes from sinkhole
- VIDEO: Apple iPhone to become more car-friendly
- Polar vortex may prove to be a powerful pesticide
- VIDEO: Best moments from the 2014 Oscars
- Friday, February 28, 2014
- The glitz, the glamour and the movies: 3 apps for Oscar weekend
- Five things you should know about the Netflix-Comcast deal
- VIDEO: A look inside a Cuban cigar factory
- Thursday, February 27, 2014
- VIDEO: NASA discovers 'mother lode' of alien planets
- Most deadly fraternity scraps initiation for new members