Movie review

"Shrek the Third"

1 star

Any "Shrek" fan can tell you that the trilogy's title character isn't a healthy guy - he never bathes; his diet consists mainly of eggs and swamp life; and he's a little thick in the midsection.

But did you know that Shrek wants you - or, better yet, your impressionable children - to swing by McDonald's and grab a Shrek Happy Meal? And after, if you're really hungry, you can turn your mouth green with some limited edition Shrek Cheetos or polish off that Happy Meal with "ogre-sized" M&Ms and Shrek-flavored Skittles.

On top of being a not-so-positive role model amidst America's childhood obesity epidemic, the friendly green ogre's latest flick, "Shrek the Third," is about as good as a cold, limp french fry.

This time around, we find our chubby protagonist in a dark place. After the death of his frog father-in-law, King Harold, Shrek is crowned king of Far Far Away, but he's worried that the job is wrong for his swamp lifestyle, that he can't cut the mustard - or better yet, the special sauce - as the big ogre on campus. So Shrek sets out to find the only other remaining heir, Arthur, an inexperienced teenager whom he plans to inaugurate immediately.

Things go wrong. A frenzy of scatological humor ensues. Evil-doers create enough conflict to fill 90 minutes. Shrek's life is one of swashbuckling hilarity, docile combat, and high-quality computer-generated graphics, but not content worthy of anyone's viewership.

So please don't buy into the hype. Throw out your M&Ms, your Skittles, your Cheetos and your burgers. Skip the movie. Find comfort in the fact that you haven't ballooned to Shrek size yet and just say no to this disgusting, vapid marketing tool.