EagleTribune.com, North Andover, MA

You show them your growing belly. You let them feel some movement. Perhaps they even see the baby on the ultrasound screen. You hope that involving them will prepare them. But will they be prepared? What do they really expect when you're expecting? Do they expect a playmate or a baby?

Involving your children in changing family events is important. It is just difficult to make them fully understand what it means to have a newborn's entrance into your household. No matter how involved or prepared the older child is, they will have some adjusting to do once the baby comes home.

At first, when your older child sees the new baby, there is a time of awe. It is not unlike what we feel as parents. Could this little being really have come from Mommy's belly? This awe period may be short, and may involve the older child questioning "What next?" And with that wonder, they may have some fear. As a result, they may want to be close to one parent or the other.

After a short time, children get a sense of pride along with the rest of the family that they "have a new baby." With that comes a protectiveness or a possessiveness of the new baby. Your child may react badly to others outside the immediate family when they hold the baby. They may need reassurance that their baby is still theirs and won't be taken away.

Even after witnessing some protectiveness and knowing that older children rarely intentionally hurt their newborn sibling, you cannot totally trust your older child around the baby. They may get angry at the newborn and want the baby "put back." They can strike out or even "accidentally" hurt the newborn. Though you need to protect the newborn, you do not want to ostracize your older child. He or she still needs to be involved. Give them a role. They can be guardian of a blanket or fetcher of the new diaper.

Some older children see the new baby and realize in their self-centered world that the baby is actually no threat to them and their kingdom or queendom. These perceptive children may be more interested in the maternity ward hospital bed going up and down than in the newborn. They may remain oblivious to the baby, but as a result, may want the same amount of attention from you as before the baby was born. Of course, this can be frustrating and impossible to do. Give them what attention you and your spouse can. You may see them act out in negative ways to get your attention, but don't give in. Try to compliment and praise good behavior in your older child and minimize attention to the negative acting out.

Some children challenge their parents after a newborn comes just to see if the rules at home are the same. A big mistake parents make is being too lenient. Older children actually feel more secure to know that the rules of the house are the same - bedtime is bedtime, hitting is not allowed, and you can't throw food on the floor. Once older siblings discover that the home with a new baby has the same rules as before the baby arrived, they back down from challenging the rules too much.

Many times, the real challenges of a new life with two children come when the new child becomes more of an equal of sorts to their older sibling, particularly if the age difference is only a year or two. Once the older child sees the new child walking and talking, they then sees their younger sibling as a threat. Now their toys and their space might be invaded by the cruising little monster.

Older children do need their space. And their toys may truly be unsafe for the younger child. Parents need to respect this space for the older child and not push "sharing" too soon. Remember, your 1-year-old won't understand sharing at all. They think the world is theirs.

Over time, the older child, who has their space supported and secured with the help of their parents, will come to feel secure and be able to open up to the younger sibling on their terms. Sharing can then be taught.

Parents need to reach a balance between two young siblings. The tendency is to put too much pressure on the older to be the sharer, the accepter, and the more mature playmate. It is best to respect the older child and not take sides favoring the younger sibling. Kids perceive fairness and practice that amongst themselves over time.

Recognize that young siblings will have conflict. This is a challenge. Use separation when necessary, limit blame and accept the conflict as natural. Be fair, balanced and even-tempered. Over time, your kids will learn to be fair and balanced with each other. Eventually, your older child will have the playmate they always wanted.

nnn

Dr. Brian Orr is a Gloucester pediatrician in practice more than 20 years. His first book, "A Pediatrician's Journal: Caring for Children in a Broken Medical System," was recently published. Write to him in care of features@ecnnews.com.