Q: I have received an invitation to a holiday party. The attire says "black tie optional." Does this mean that wearing a regular suit would be acceptable? I do not own a tux, nor do I want to purchase one just for this party.

A: Yes, the holiday and party season is upon us. "Black tie" suggests that a tuxedo is required. "Black tie optional" suggests that the preferred attire for gentlemen is black tie. However, a tuxedo is not mandatory.

Appropriate tuxedo alternatives include a quality dark suit. Black is the best and most appropriate color. (Dark blue or charcoal gray are tied at number two.) Be sure to wear a white shirt with collar stays. A button-down collar suggests a more casual, "preppy" look. A white shirt with the British tab collar provides a finished look. French cuffs are also elegant, and would be fabulous with some great cuff links. Be sure to wear black shoes (Presidential); fine, black gentleman's hosiery, and a rich tie.

Accessories to be considered - a tie tack, tie pin or gold (tie) rope, and a professional, quality watch (one that you can most comfortably afford). A pocket watch would be outstanding as well. Leave your sports watch on the bureau for this affair. A white, finely pressed, subtle handkerchief peeking out of the breast pocket or one that complements your tie is also a nice finishing touch.

While I understand not wanting to purchase a tuxedo for this one event, you should know they can be found quite reasonably priced these days at many retail establishments. The great benefit here is once you have made the investment, you will have the tuxedo forever, providing it still fits. Enjoy your holiday affair.

Q: More than one month ago, my wife and I invited a friend of hers to our home to share Thanksgiving dinner with us. Just last week, this same individual spent the weekend with us, and exhibited rude, obnoxious, insulting, unacceptable behavior. I told my wife at the time that her friend would not be welcomed in our home for Thanksgiving. Life is too short. How does one tactfully uninvite someone for dinner?

A: One does not ever "tactfully" uninvite anyone anywhere, especially to Thanksgiving dinner. I am sorry you had this bad experience with your wife's friend and understand that you don't want to have this evening repeated, especially at Thanksgiving.

Remember, Thanksgiving is a time of giving thanks, coming together, healing. This individual is a friend for a reason, and one act of poor misconduct should not warrant such a harsh response. Behavior can be corrected. I believe your wife should be the one to share your (joint) concerns with her friend, and to make her acutely aware that her previous misconduct was not appreciated and will not be tolerated going forward, friendship or no friendship. No one should have to put up with abuse, especially in their own home, particularly from an invited friend or guest; blood relatives are quite another thing..

While I understand that bad behavior must have consequences, the punishment should fit the crime. I am sure there are many other factors involved here, which should be considered.

Encourage your wife to have a quiet word with her friend, and share this beautiful Thanksgiving holiday in peace, giving thanks for many things, including the wonderful gift of special friendships.

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Judy Bowman is the president of Protocol Consultants International, providing etiquette training to corporate executives. Etiquette questions may be submitted to Everyday Etiquette, c/o Essex County Newspapers, 32 Dunham Road, Beverly, MA 01915.