Q: I now find myself at wits end with our almost 5-year-old daughter. In public situations, the child is very shy and seems to lack confidence, however in our home, she is a tyrant.
My question is, how do I eliminate the crying behavior in a child who has the ability to verbalize her complaints? When something doesn't go her way, she cries loudly and angrily for hours on end.
We are clear that she is trying to get attention and control, but cannot seem to reroute the behavior. She will not stay seated in a time out regardless of how many times she is returned to the spot. We try to "isolate" her and ignore her when the tantrum persists, but she doesn't seem to be able to get herself out of a funk.
I don't want to force her to be compliant. I realize she has a strong personality, and I don't want to break her spirit, but I also need her to respect our position of authority as parents. I should mention that our older daughter is 61/2 and is a definite parent pleaser. I think it is hard for the younger child to live in the shadow of big sis.
Today, she spent nearly four hours crying. This child is setting the tone of our home and driving us crazy.
I'd appreciate your advice.
A: Crying, to ad nauseam limits, is usually a way of expressing frustration with a lack of ability to express in language how one is feeling. Your daughter's lachrymose binges are probably evidence of such an issue. Try two things.
First, simply reflect what her language might be: "You don't like it when ..." or "I know it is hard to. ... " Language development varies, and your daughter may need some help in expressing herself.
Second, do not allow the negative behavior to work, at all, as in never. If the crying succeeds in causing you to lose it or to give in, these are variable interval reinforcers, and they will result in a continuation or increase in the behavior.
Be calm even in your tone of voice. Simply make it clear, without undue verbiage, that she will comply. "You will feel better and then we will be able to. ... " Separate her if necessary.
You will not break her spirit, but you will shape her behavior. This will help her and you to live a happier life.
nnn
Dr. Larry Larsen is an Andover psychologist. If you would like to ask a question or respond to one, e-mail him at lrryllrsn@cs.com.
