Q: My husband and I are in our 60s, but not what I would consider "old." We have spent a lot of time talking about what we would do when we both retired and had so much to look forward to. He has had recent health problems, which have led to episodes of slight confusion and unsteadiness on his feet. Lately I have been short tempered and my husband tells me he feels like I am blaming him for his disabilities. How do I deal with the changes in our life?
A: Your husband's health status change has obviously impacted your relationship in numerous ways. The fact you are asking for guidance indicates at some level you realize this is as much your issue as it is his. You may not be able to control the changes taking place in his body, but you can take charge of how you respond to his health.
First of all it would be unfair and most likely way out in left field to blame your husband for the changes taking place within him. Unless the new diagnosis was a result of drug or alcohol use, or some other unacceptable reckless behavior, your husband is not at fault. There are times no matter how healthy of a lifestyle someone leads that cancer, heart disease, diabetes or some other devastating condition becomes invasive. Your husband certainly did not ask to become ill so he should not assume responsibility.
Look in the mirror and be honest about your own feelings. It would be perfectly understandable if you were disappointed the future was not going to be the one of your dreams. No one would blame you if you even struggled with depression. Most likely there is a part of you that is frightened about what could happen next. No one ever wants to see someone they love and cherish decline physically or cognitively. Your age leaves you unprepared for this downward spiral, you might have expected this in 20 years, but not now.
Odds are the two of you are reacting to the emotions of your husband's health as opposed to putting together a plan or strategy to deal with the changes. You need to openly talk with each other and express how you are feeling. There is no excuse for your short temper or verbal abuse; finding a way to channel and handle your emotions must be a priority. Instead of supporting each other through this crisis you are running the risk of driving a bigger wedge between yourselves.
Find a caregiver support group and a professional you can talk with before the situation gets any worse. There is an old song with the lyric, "We always hurt the one we love." To some extent this may be human nature, but certainly never acceptable. Take a moment to consider how your husband must be interpreting all this drama; it certainly can not be good for his frame of mind.
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Roseanne DiStefano is the executive director of Elder Services of the Merrimack Valley. Do you have a question? E-mail her at ro@esmv.org or write to Elder Services of the Merrimack Valley, Inc., 360 Merrimack St., Lawrence, MA 01843.
