Q: My father died Thanksgiving weekend after a very long illness. Even though we knew the day was coming, it still was an overwhelmingly sad experience for everyone in our family. The dilemma we are now facing is what to do about the Christmas holidays.
My siblings and I have young grandchildren who don't have a concept of grief and are already talking about Santa coming. We haven't discussed this with our mother; I think everyone is afraid of seeming uncaring and insensitive. How can we celebrate when we are still mourning the loss of our father?
A: The holidays can be a time of the greatest joys shared with your family, and they also can bring about painful memories of loved ones no longer with you. Families face this dilemma every year and rarely find an easy solution. You need to come to a decision about what is going to be right for your family and not necessarily what others have done.
There are several ways to approach this. You could follow the same traditions your family established over the years as if nothing has changed; or you can plan a completely different celebration of the holidays. It is virtually impossible to ignore Christmas is coming with the decorations and music everywhere you go. Just remember the first of holiday seasons after losing someone close to you will be difficult, so be prepared for the emotions to be elevated the entire time.
Your mother is grieving and will continue to do so for some time to come. Each person grieves in a different way and in varying lengths of time. You and your siblings are understandably missing your father, but you also have other family responsibilities. If for no other reason than your children, you cannot relinquish yourself to the pain of your father's passing. The young children in your family might not have the capacity to understand all the typical holiday decorating and cooking is not going to happen because Grandpa passed away.
Some families have chosen to go away together over the holidays on a cruise or other vacation destination. A completely different location sometimes helps to lessen the letdown feeling. Others have chosen to volunteer at a homeless shelter or serving holiday meals to the less fortunate at a community location. Perhaps you and your siblings can start a new tradition by alternating houses for the holidays to take the burden off your mother.
Be prepared that there is a possibility your mother may choose not to join you this year, and know that season she may be in a better frame of mind. Don't push her if she continues to avoid the celebrations, but also don't allow her to make you feel guilty about the choices you make. Be careful to monitor your mother's emotional state.
Just because some families choose to celebrate the holidays does not indicate their grief is less than someone who chooses not to celebrate. It is a personal matter and an individual decision about comfort level.
ÔÇæÔÇæÔÇæ
Rosanne Distefano is the executive director of Elder Services of the Merrimack Valley. Do you have a question? E-mail her at ro@esmv.org or write to Elder Services of the Merrimack Valley, Inc., 360 Merrimack St., Lawrence, MA 01843.
