Q: I am writing this letter to you out of frustration. My mother has been caring for my father for over five years. She looks exhausted, rarely socializes with her friends and has even started pulling away from family members. We have offered to help out but she refuses. What can we do?
A: If you're feeling frustrated take a step back and give some thought to the emotions your mother may be dealing with. On a daily basis she may struggle to get up in the morning and begin her routine of caregiving that likely takes up most of her waking hours. She may have the emotional commitment to keep going day after day, the challenge is whether she will have the stamina to continue in the demanding role of caregiver.
Spouses often reflect on the promise they made on their wedding day and feel it is their duty to step up to the challenge during the days of "sickness." Whether family members provide this intense level of care out of love, loyalty or guilt ultimately it can take a toll on their own physical or emotional health.
It isn't easy for some people to ask for help. They may perceive this as a sign of weakness or an indication they aren't willing to give their all to the role of caregiver. Others may be worried they are infringing on another's person's life to ask them to give up personal time. The reasons may not sound logical to you, but it is important to understand the motivation of the caregiver.
You and others may have offered to help out, but you may not have convinced your mother of the sincerity of the suggestion. People sometimes use lip service in offering to help, but they don't really expect anyone to take them up on the offer. If you really want to be of assistance, be more specific as to time and task you are willing to help with. Telling your mother you can come over Saturday morning at 9 a.m. and stay until 4 p.m. so she can get out of the house is a much stronger statement than a vague offer to help.
There are occasions you have to give the caregiver permission to accept help; sounds strange but this is not unusual. Your family should start reinforcing with your mother there is no shame in admitting she needs help. Express your own personal desire to be involved in the caregiver experience. One family member may only be comfortable in helping to prepare meals, while another would be willing to do laundry and house cleaning. Just as people have different skills they also have different comfort levels. Assess the situation and plug people in where they can make the biggest impact.
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Rosanne Distefano is the executive director of Elder Services of the Merrimack Valley. Do you have a question? E-mail her at ro@esmv.org or write to Elder Services of the Merrimack Valley, Inc., 360 Merrimack St., Lawrence, MA 01843.
