EagleTribune.com, North Andover, MA

February 10, 2014

Column: Come one, come all until we're all packed in like sardines

Barbara Anderson
The Eagle-Tribune

---- — Because of another incident of global warming, the Legislature's Transportation Committee postponed its hearing on "An Act Relative to Safe Driving" that gives driver's licenses to illegal immigrants, though the bill describes them as "people who are ineligible for Social Security cards".

Double cute. Ignoring, as usual, the question, "what part of illegal don't you understand?", it uses a euphemism to give a vague false impression about the beneficiaries of the bill. Not to mention the title itself, which implies that illegal immigrants can drive safely only if they have a license, though they aren't supposed to be driving at all, since they aren't supposed to be here.

Sigh. I sound unsympathetic to those who violated our laws just because they just want a better life for themselves and their families.

I'm tired of being a mean person. I'm changing my mind to "never mind illegal, let everyone who wants a better life come here." Welcome all!

So, the U.S. population is roughly 314 million. Mexico has 121 million people. Many of them don't want to emigrate: The middle-class family I lived with as an exchange student never mentioned anything more dramatic than an opportunity to buy American chocolate, which NAFTA has already provided.

However, say that 10 percent of the Mexican population thinks life would be better here: that's another 12 million people, added to the presently officially estimated 12 million illegals. Welcome, all!

Of course we do not want to be North American-centric. If the poor of Central America can find a way to cross the southern Mexican border which is tightly controlled (they'll probably have to pay a border-crossing fee and promise not to stop until they cross the U.S. border), another share of that 197 million population will move here.

Next, South America, total population 386 million. Welcome all, including the Colombian drug dealers who will meet the Mexican cartel already here. Now, try to get along, guys.

This is a great opportunity for the poor in the favelas of Rio. Find yourselves a ravine to huddle in (the Grand Canyon?) until we can build subsidized housing for all of you. Meals on Wheels will be right over for your seniors, and the local school bus will pick up the kids tomorrow morning. Or, keep moving northeast and you can stay in a Massachusetts motel at state expense.

So our section of the Western Hemisphere has just acquired over 70 million new citizens (Social Security card hand-delivered, take a quick oath to uphold the Constitution of the United States, we'll explain it later if we can find anyone here who knows what it says).

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce will be dropping by to offer you jobs that Americans don't want; if there aren't enough the Obama administration will bring applications for welfare benefits, and a flyer with the names of candidates it wants you to vote for in the next local, state and federal election. Gracias a ustedes por su participation en democracia.

When you get a car, you'll get a driver's license, with driving-law instructions in your language, which we've added to our signage and, when you use the cellphone Obama gives you, just press 2 for Spanish.

Please get your kids vaccinated against all the diseases that were once obliterated in the United States. And drop in at our hospital emergency rooms anytime. OK, everybody comfy?

Too bad, move over. We nice people do not want to appear Western Hemispheric-centric and thereby racist. We are now inviting at least 10 percent of the 1 billion population of Africa to move here. All Americans, old and new, prepare for more vaccinations. And much bigger road signage, with more language choices on your cellphones.

Next, Asia, total population 4.3 billion. May we please skip open-admission from the Muslim countries (including those in Africa and, anyone engaged in genocide there), since their radical fundamentalists want to destroy America? The answer is no, you intolerant Judeo-Christian xenophobes. So, if we add just 10 percent of all Asians, our U.S. population would be over 900 million.

But I don't think we'll see many Chinese or Vietnamese, since their countries may be starting to look better than ours. North Koreans are on their way though; anything is better than there!

Europeans and Japanese are also probably not coming; they're just thinking we have lost our minds. Wait. Europe has been accepting immigrants from the Muslim countries, much of it isn't recognizable anymore. Japan and Australia are getting worried about China; the United States is in no shape to protect anyone from aggression.

So, depending on who is escaping where, our population has doubled or even tripled from 2014, when Obama signed the new rainbow immigration law. We've solved the illegal immigration problem, and all that's left are the national debt, health care, crime, and environmental concerns, all of which have been exacerbated by our surging population.

I insist on promoting "nice" solutions. Borrow more from the new strongest country, China; give everyone free health care; insist that criminals are just people whose brains haven't fully developed yet, and ... forget about the environment, not much left, low-income housing on the paved-over wetlands; almost a billion Americans require lots of fuel, water, and waste disposal.

Gee it feels good to be compassionate!

Barbara Anderson is president of Citizens for Limited Taxation and a regular contributor to the opinion pages.