EagleTribune.com, North Andover, MA


February 10, 2014

Column: Come one, come all until we're all packed in like sardines


Next, South America, total population 386 million. Welcome all, including the Colombian drug dealers who will meet the Mexican cartel already here. Now, try to get along, guys.

This is a great opportunity for the poor in the favelas of Rio. Find yourselves a ravine to huddle in (the Grand Canyon?) until we can build subsidized housing for all of you. Meals on Wheels will be right over for your seniors, and the local school bus will pick up the kids tomorrow morning. Or, keep moving northeast and you can stay in a Massachusetts motel at state expense.

So our section of the Western Hemisphere has just acquired over 70 million new citizens (Social Security card hand-delivered, take a quick oath to uphold the Constitution of the United States, we'll explain it later if we can find anyone here who knows what it says).

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce will be dropping by to offer you jobs that Americans don't want; if there aren't enough the Obama administration will bring applications for welfare benefits, and a flyer with the names of candidates it wants you to vote for in the next local, state and federal election. Gracias a ustedes por su participation en democracia.

When you get a car, you'll get a driver's license, with driving-law instructions in your language, which we've added to our signage and, when you use the cellphone Obama gives you, just press 2 for Spanish.

Please get your kids vaccinated against all the diseases that were once obliterated in the United States. And drop in at our hospital emergency rooms anytime. OK, everybody comfy?

Too bad, move over. We nice people do not want to appear Western Hemispheric-centric and thereby racist. We are now inviting at least 10 percent of the 1 billion population of Africa to move here. All Americans, old and new, prepare for more vaccinations. And much bigger road signage, with more language choices on your cellphones.

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