EagleTribune.com, North Andover, MA

Opinion

December 21, 2013

Column: Here are some gift ideas for notable politicians

In the spirit of good will to others, even if they are politicians, here are some gift suggestions culled from the catalogs.

For Ted Cruz, the Texas tea partying maverick senator who helped orchestrate the government shutdown for which he hasn’t yet given us an explanation, we suggest “Magic Morsels” from Fairytale Brownies. We would perhaps add an ingredient from the 1960s, just to see if he is human.

For John Boehner, the House speaker from Ohio who is now on the tea party’s naughty list for backing the budget compromise even though he spent the last two years bucking his own establishment Republicans, we suggest Dean and Deluca’s sweet “Coal Stocking Stuffer.” Dean and Deluca notes: “It’s the nicest stocking stuffer possible for those who deserve a lump or two.”

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, who “presided over” the disastrous rollout of the Affordable Care Act, to use one of the nice names for it, might find a “voice clarifying amplifier” from Hammacher Schlemmer useful. It is a digital earpiece that amplifies human speech frequencies above background noise so that spoken words are clearly audible. Perhaps the next time peons tell her a computer program is not ready for primetime, she’ll hear.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., who ran a tight ship when she was speaker, should receive a “fashionista Christmas tree,” a prelit 5-foot (just her size) tree designed like a dressmaker’s dress form also from Hammacher Schlemmer. Pelosi always looks so well put together you forget the Republicans ignore everything she says.

We think President Obama would enjoy the new Play it Again Polar Bear from Gump’s in San Francisco. You ask the bear to play a song, any one of 12 Christmas carols, and he does it. Just like Obama tries to mollify whoever he is meeting with at any given moment.

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