This is supposed to be the time for New Year's resolutions. But, hardly anyone, including me, manages to keep those for more than a few weeks — or in some cases a few hours.
So, since we are now almost a year into the era of hope and change, I'm just going to list the things I hope will come to pass in 2010. I have a premonition that it might be a disappointing year.
I hope that "dissent is the highest form of patriotism," a ubiquitous slogan for eight years that was abruptly discarded on Jan. 20, will be restored to popularity.
I hope that Willie Lantigua grows back his moustache.
I hope that if you have any complaints about what I write in 2010 that you will call my office. Not me. My office.
I hope state Sen. Scott Brown beats Attorney General Martha Coakley for the Massachusetts U.S. Senate seat. Not so much because of substantive things like the fact that he would be a better senator and bring some actual diversity to the state's congressional delegation, but just because it would be so much fun to see the Democrats try to explain it.
I hope I won't be too disillusioned when that doesn't happen.
I hope that the entire cellular phone network goes down for a day, just because I'd love to see what everybody aged 13 to 35 will do with their thumbs.
I hope the Essex County Retirement Board retires — forever.
I hope that disgraced Lawrence schools Superintendent Wilfredo Laboy enjoys the fact that the "burden of leadership" has been lifted from his shoulders.
I hope Tiger Woods dispenses with this low-level scandal stuff, takes it up a notch, comes out of the closet and admits he's been secretly married to Tom Brady.
I hope President Obama mandates that everybody has to listen to an hour of bluegrass a day.
I hope President Obama mandates that those held in terrorist prisons must listen to bluegrass all day and all night.
I hope John Kerry has some more "work done."
I hope Jay Leno moves back to Andover so I can see his car collection.
I hope to attend the premiere of "Nationalized Health Care: The Movie," so I can see what "bending the cost curve" looks like on the big screen.
I hope to find at least 10,000 ways in 2010 to use the phrases, "Let me be clear," "The failed policies of the Bush administration," "Kick the can down the road," "At the end of the day," "I inherited this situation," and "The situation on the ground."
I hope bureaucrats, lobbyists, union leaders and politicians will be forbidden for an entire year from saying, "devastating cuts in services," "the children" and "the most vulnerable among us."
I hope the federal government takes over Twitter — you know, to make sure everyone has access to it. That ought to run it into the ground.
I hope Jason Bay has a bad year.
I hope they build a casino and nobody comes.
I hope I receive the Nobel Prize in economics for my "extraordinary efforts" to end the recession. Not that I've actually done anything about it, but I'm willing to fly all over the country in a private jet and talk about it at length.
I hope there will be a ban on movies about boomer romances — especially ones that show anybody naked.
I hope that all the preppers and truthers and birthers move to Montana, so they will have wide-open spaces to contemplate their conspiracy theories.
I hope this year, in the spirit of change, that when a regular district public school fails, it will be shut down, and when a charter public school fails, it will get more money.
I hope I get to go on a date that costs $300,000, as long as somebody else pays for it.
I hope to avoid any new information about Carrie Prejean, Kate and Jon, the Balloon Boy, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, Brangelina and Michael Jackson.
I hope to change my name to Taylor Ahmadinejad, because I intend to declare myself Columnist of the Year, with 148 percent of the vote.
I hope to take a flight with Sully Sullenberger at the controls.
I hope I don't have to get into any arguments about whether the new decade starts this year or next. I'm sick of the aughts and I pronounce them over, with 148 percent of the vote.
I hope Tom Menino never takes a class in diction. What would we do for entertainment?
I hope we vote to repeal the liquor tax.
I hope to avoid even accidentally watching a reality show.
I hope to be the next American Idol.
I hope the only stimulus package of 2010 — free of steroids, of course — goes to David Ortiz, so he can start hitting the way he used to.
I hope I don't hear any more from Vice President Joe Biden — hey wait, that's already happened.
I hope for health and happiness in the New Year to all those who take the time to offer criticism and compliments on what appears in this column. Happy 2010.
Taylor Armerding is associate editorial page editor of The Eagle-Tribune. He may be reached at 978-946-2213 or at tarmerding@eagletribune.com. Read him daily at The Soapbox, the Eagle-Tribune blog at blogs.eagletribune.com/soapbox
