EagleTribune.com, North Andover, MA


October 27, 2012

Column: Riding out the apocalypse at Costco

Face it, according to a widely accepted school of contemporary thought: We’re doomed. Most likely this December. For some reason, the ancient Mayans have become the accepted experts on Doomsday, but I suspect few of us have had an opportunity to sit down with an ancient Mayan to go over the data.

We don’t know how, but the Mayans have a date in mind: the 21st of December. If you live on the seashore, you may be driven out by a tsunami. If you live high and dry on a mountaintop, you may be blown into the sky by a volcano, and the little black particles that were once your body will block out the sun and contribute to a new Ice Age.

Or there may be a massive earthquake. Most of the country has been calmly contemplating the “Big One” that will see California slide into the Pacific, but a small earthquake in placid, rural Mineral, Va., shook confidence in the Mid-Atlantic, an area generally considered safe except for ravening bands of politicians.

There may be an electromagnetic magnetic pulse, or EMP, that will wipe out your TV, radio, landlines, Internet and wi-fi. Moreover, your car won’t start. Many parents may think this may not be all bad but, really, it would be terribly inconvenient.

There could be a nuclear war, which would be bad all the way around except for those who own property in North Korea and Iran like, say, the few North Koreans and Iranians left around.

There could be another hurricane like Katrina, a natural phenomenon that Republicans seem uniquely ill-equipped to deal with. You might want to factor that into your vote for Mitt Romney.

Surprisingly, the supply depot for apocalyptic survival — a movement dubbed the “preppers” — turns out to be Costco, an immense discount warehouse store for which I’ve had a fond spot since they sold me several carloads of premium liquor at their store in Oahu even though I didn’t have a Costco card. Who knew?

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