Q: My daughter recently attended the Merrimack Valley Alzheimer's Conference and has been talking to me ever since about getting services for my husband (her father). I don't know how to make her understand I can't bring myself to have a stranger take care of the man I have been married to for almost 50 years. My husband was always so good to his family, and I feel it is my responsibility to do the same for him no matter how hard it sometimes is. This is becoming a conflict between my children and myself. Do you have any advice?
A: "For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health"... it is evident both you and your husband truly have lived up to your wedding vows for the last five decades. While this is admirable, there may come a time when you will need to re-interpret the meaning of those words. Your dedication to being an exemplary caregiver could be to the detriment of both of you. The defining factor is whether you can continue to provide 24-hour care without affecting your emotional well-being or physical health. If something happens to you, who will step in to take over your responsibilities?
It is not unusual for spouses or other family members to have similar feelings as yours. Families take care of families; that's what they are all about. The only drawback is when the level of care becomes unrealistic. The most successful caregiving arrangements are those where the family continues to be the primary source of support in conjunction with more formal services provided by community organizations. Even if services are provided on only an occasional basis, the respite gives the caregiver a break to focus on his or her own needs ... this is not being selfish but rather being realistic. Taking care of yourself, staying healthy and as stress-free as possible is of the utmost importance if you are going to remain in the caregiver role.
Sometimes we forget to talk with rather than to family members when we are so deeply concerned about their welfare. Your daughter is most likely experiencing a host of emotions; she has had to watch the decline of her father while at the same time being terribly concerned about the toll this may be taking on her mother. Sit down and have a conversation with your family, explain how you feel, and then be willing to openly listen to what they have to say.
There may be a compromise to make everyone happy. Think about starting slow, and arrange for a companion to be at the house for an hour or two while you take a nap or find a quiet place to read a book. You would still be available if any problems arose, but for a short while you wouldn't be directly responsible for providing care. This approach might give you time to develop trust and become more comfortable in allowing another person to be involved in the care plan. Remember, you are not relinquishing control over your husband's care, just accepting a little help.
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Rosanne DiStefano is the executive director of Elder Services of the Merrimack Valley. Do you have a question? E-mail to ro@esmv.org.
