Our children are grown up, but we read your column and have for years. Thank you for writing it. We have often talked about our children and how much better parents we would be now that they are grown and have youngsters of their own. You learn as you go along, but by the time you know what you are doing, your children are all grown up. Care to comment?

You bring up an old and interesting dialogue.

There are two schools of thought in psychology regarding whether we learn from a kind of intuitive experience or in an evidence based, statistical format.

It seems to me that some parents never "catch on." They read books, listen to CDs, and go to programs and helping courses, but the essential skills never seem to gel. Then there are those who are constantly experiencing new aspects of parenting and getting better and better. As you point out, by the time you are getting skillful, the kids have left the house!

There are interesting studies of chess masters that are to the point. It turns out that great chess masters actually develop a kind of intuitive/thoughtful way of playing. Unlike amateur players (such as yours truly), they "see" moves without thinking. Parenting gets to be like that. The certainty of acting on educated intuition increases as we develop our skills. It is not unlike chess.

There are three questions parents should constantly ask themselves as they go about their vocation. Is this done of thoughtful love? Does it make sense? What will be learned to create a life outcome?

We older parents, by the way, can afford to be philosophical. The grandkids leave after the visit.

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Dr. Larry Larsen is an Andover psychologist. If you would like to ask a question or respond to one, e-mail him at llrryllrsn@CS.com