Dear Dr. Larsen,

I enjoy reading your advice columns and appreciate your caring and the wisdom you share, but I feel the need to point out something I feel is important.

In your advice to the "worried" parents about their 14-year-old son who likes to cook you said, "... while we are on the subject of sexual preference ..." and "... whatever his choices may eventually be." What troubles me here is that your wording suggests you believe sexuality to be something we choose. The only thing that people who are gay may choose is whether or not to live a lie. To embrace their sexual orientation or to hide by denying it.

I'm sure you would agree that if someone is gay, choosing to live a heterosexual lifestyle would not be healthy. So in a way, there is no choice. If you're gay and you don't live a gay lifestyle, well then you're bound to be a very unhappy person ,I would think.

Just one more point, and thanks for reading this — preference is not the best word to use for the same reason. We don't choose our sexuality, so it's not a preference as to what sex we are attracted to. Orientation is a better word.

I'm at work reading your column, and I'm not able to be out here because my line of work, so I guess I'm more sensitive to things of this nature. But thanks for reading this.

— I Know

Dear I Know,

Thank you so much for your e-mail. Allow me to explain the use of the word "choice" or "choose."

There is an old poem which begins with the line: "Once to every man and nation comes the moment to decide." It is in that sense that I use the word. Recognition precedes acceptance. Acceptance equals choice, at least as I understand the word. In no way does this denigrate the sexuality of any individual. Nothing could be further from my mind or intent.

I also agree with you that the word "orientation" is probably better than "preference."

There is only one point on which we might disagree. Research appears to indicate that a majority of gay people have biologically and physiologically predetermined sexual orientation. But this is not true for all. For a minority, there appears to be sexual ambivalence, which may indeed result in a choice or simply social and behavioral factors which determine sexual destinies. Sexuality is not a simple matter.

What is most clear is our search for love and closeness. Doctrinaire pronouncements about how this must be achieved, either from legal or religious domains, is unfortunate.

Someday "we shall overcome."

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Dr. Larry Larsen is an Andover psychologist. If you would like to ask a question, or respond to one, you can e-mail him at lrryllrsn@CS.com.