By Taylor Armerding
May 11, 2008 05:58 am Random thoughts accumulated over random weeks: I got a press release a while ago telling me World Vegetarian Week was nigh. It gave me an irresistible craving for a burger. *** I used to think ripe was really positive word. You know, perfect. At the natural peak. Full of health and flavor. Until I got to be my age. Now, my friends remind me that ripe is just this side of rotten. Thanks. *** Could the advocates for increased government spending puh-leeze stop telling us that their latest raid on our wallets — overrides, fees, "community preservation" taxes — will just amount to "a cup of coffee a day." That's been used so many times that I'm now paying for an Olympic swimming pool's worth of coffee a day. *** I propose Armerding's corollary to Murphy's Law: The chance of every green light I approach turning to yellow at precisely the point where I don't know if I have time to get through it or not before it turns red, is approximately 100 percent. *** Three — make that four — unmistakable indications that Hillary knows her divine right to be president is slipping away: On Indiana/North Carolina primary night, the victory smile that bore some semblance to being genuine after Pennsylvania was back to frozen plastic; she was back to whining about being outspent; and she was promoting her Web site (begging for money). The fourth? Her husband was hovering just behind her right shoulder, looking about as happy as he did 10 years ago when he was forced to confess that what he'd been denying for months was true. *** Is it possible for Dice-K to pitch his first two innings in the bullpen or something? Seems like he's never ready until at least the third. *** From only a "handful" of middle school students having their own cell phone five years ago, now about 80 percent have them. Not surprising, I guess. Nobody even knows what they did without a cell phone any more. But what about the other 20 percent? Where are Hillary and Barack, to declare that every child has a "right" to a cell phone, and when one of them becomes president, by golly, no child will be left without one? *** OK, so Ernies Baez of Lawrence is being nominated (you're going to read "allegedly" a lot here) for dumbest alleged criminal of the year for allegedly claiming to be the driver of one car and the passenger in another, in the same allegedly staged two-car accident. But what about the fact that the accident happened in 2003, and he just got arrested last week? *** I really like the thinking of the Boston firefighters union. They want to get paid extra for proving that they're not coming to work under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Great idea. I want to be paid extra for showing up to work sober too. I think I should also get some extra pay for knowing how to type — I mean, "keyboard." *** I still miss Willie Lantigua's moustache. *** I'm going to spend my big economic stimulus check on three tanks of gas. Maybe it'll be down to two by the time I actually get the money. *** The Massachusetts Legislature is about to set the cigarette tax at $2.51 a pack — second in the nation only to New York — which will put its take from a pack of smokes somewhere between 40 and 50 percent. So, what was that about oil company profits, at less than 10 percent, being "obscene"? At least the oil companies produce something. Government just collects the profit from the labor of others. How about we the people tax the state for its windfall profits on cigarettes. *** It's time to start profiling dogs. Everybody knows which breeds are the most aggressive. And I think the ACLU is too busy protecting Islamic terrorists to get in the way. *** Former senator and presidential candidate George McGovern who, as they say, knows a thing or two about losing elections, is now calling on Hillary to drop out. Ohh, yeah, that'll be the voice that finally brings her campaign down. *** So, it's over. Nine months after (now former) Methuen police Chief Joe Solomon was suspended, Mayor William Manzi fired him. Which, of course, means it ain't over. Now the civil service circus begins, which could take years and will cost megabucks. What was that about an alleged witch casting an alleged hex on the Methuen Police Department?
Taylor Armerding is associate editorial page editor of The Eagle-Tribune. He may be reached at 978-946-2213 or at tarmerding@eagletribune.com. Read him daily at The Soapbox, the Eagle-Tribune blog at blogs.eagletribune.com/soapbox
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